Ten Easy Ways to
Destroy Children
Dear Friends:
This week we would like to provide you with a valuable tool
for destroying children. To make it easy, we have provided it in ten easy
steps. Although this is most effective in the hands of parents, others such as
grandparents, Sunday School teachers and other adults can easily join in the
fun. Enjoy!
1. Be a Hypocrite: Few things are more destructive to a
child than good, old-fashioned hypocrisy. Tell the children not to cuss while
you cuss. Tell the children to read their Bibles when yours has a half inch of
dust on it. This may need to engaged in for a long
while as the subtlety of this may be lost on the very young. Don't fret,
however, as they usually pick up on it soon enough. Imagine the laughs when
they start to do the same thing.
2. Be Miserable: The old saying to "lead by
example" could not be more true. If you want to
destroy kids, show them what a life of faith can really be. Be mean. Be
depressed. Be angry. If you can get the whole ecclesia involved, so much the
better. Note: It is always helpful in this regard to introduce a heated
controversy into the ecclesia as that usually brings out the best in people for
the purposes of destroying children.
3. That's Entertainment: If you are looking for resources
and assistance in your efforts to destroy children, the entertainment industry
is there for you. We strongly recommend the following: cable TV (you can't get
the really good stuff with rabbit ears) with bonus channels such as MTV and
HBO; lots of movies (you can even get your kids in R-rated movies if you go
with them); music (rap or hip-hop is an excellent choice), magazines (so many
choices here - but beware - this involves reading which can be good on some
level). What better role models are there for miserable lives than the parade
of
4. No Responsibility: Never make
your kid responsible for anything they do. The teachers are always wrong. The
coaches are always wrong. Never make them cleanup or study or do anything for
that matter -- and this is important -- defend them when they don't. Add to
this by telling them they deserve to be treated with respect. By the time they
reach puberty, they will have such a healthy dose of entitlement they will be
useless for ever more.
5. Don't Do What You Say: If your
ultimate goal is to see the kids in prison, try this. Give them an ultimatum
and then don't follow through. Tell them what the consequences for their
actions will be and then don't do it. Coupled with #4 above, you have a kid who
doesn't see a relationship between their actions and the consequences in
addition to no respect for authority and a sense of entitlement. Beautiful! If
you want to add icing to the cake, wait until they are in their teen years and
completely out of control and THEN try and clamp down on them. Can you say
"juvenile detention center?"
6. Take It Out On Them: Carrying around emotional baggage?
Why not dump it on the kids. Have a bad day at the office? Why kick the cat
when you have little one to take it out on? Life is tough and it sure does make
it a lot easier when you can release some of that pent up emotion on a child.
7. Let Them Choose: Without a doubt one of the greatest
inventions of modern parenting is the idea to let the children choose their
religious and moral path. As the parents of John Walker Lindh
found out, it can be loads of fun for the whole family. If the Bible says
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not
depart from it", we can reasonably assume that to do the opposite will
have the desired effect. With their little, impressionable minds and the
millions of possible choices of religions or lifestyles, you can enjoy the
excitement of guessing exactly where this is all going to go.
8. The Source of Happiness: Teach the children that their
happiness is determined by what clothes they wear, what job they have, what car
they drive, how attractive they are and so forth. If you can instill in them
the notion that true happiness comes from externals, you can guarantee that
they will never be truly happy.
9. Use God and Jesus as Exclamations: It is helpful in
destroying children to minimize God and Jesus. In this regard you might try
using the name of God and Jesus Christ frequently as exclamations or worse. It
teaches them that God and Jesus can be reduced to the level of obscenities.
This is truly helpful in preventing them from building up any reverence for the
Creator and His son.
10. Salvation By Works: One of the truly sneaky tricks you
can play on your kids is to bring them up to be very religious but add to it
the notion that they must earn their salvation by works. Double your fun by
making them very aware of sin and its effects all the while creating extra
rules and regulations to which they need to adhere or face grievous punishment
from an angry and hostile God. You may have to forgo many of the suggestions
above (excluding #1, #2 & #6), but the results are equally amazing. See the
amazing interplay of self-righteousness and self-loathing in one person! This
is one for those adults who really wish their kids to support the psychiatric
profession financially for years to come. It is truly the gift that keeps on
giving.
We hope you have enjoyed our suggestions.
Have a great week!
Kyle